My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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