I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
