I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
As shirtless as possible
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
