Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize