I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
