Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
