her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
