please come you make the beer taste better
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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