I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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