Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
