Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
