I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
