I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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