i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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