So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
