I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
