I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
