i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
