I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
