ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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