I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
