Already got asked if we're dating
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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