look no pants
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize