new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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