Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
