Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
