fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
