420 ftw
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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