yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
