remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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