I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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