someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I cockslap morals
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
