I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she peed on how many people?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize