youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
