I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
ttyl tear gas
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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