Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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