i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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