She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
