So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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