Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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