someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
