Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize