1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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