Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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