Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
