3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
third nipple confirmed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
