We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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