dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
