She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
