I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
