the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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