somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
