We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
