I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
