I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
