I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
