On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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