Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
