worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize