But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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