I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
