I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
