Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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