My friends, they love my intelligence
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
